1.In life, everyone hopes their relationship will last forever.
We want the initial attraction we feel when we meet someone to evolve into a lifelong commitment.
We all know that whether it’s love or marriage, both require effort from both parties. However, many people find themselves caught off guard in love. Despite their efforts to care for the other person, they may unknowingly hurt them in the process.
The initial attraction often fades with time. It’s only through long-term companionship that we learn how to manage our relationship, finding the right balance that helps us avoid falling into patterns of passion, monotony, and emotional distance.
A relationship can be like holding a handful of sand: the tighter you grip it, the faster it slips away. Only when you find the right “balance” can you hold onto what you truly want.
Psychologists refer to this concept as the “Hedgehog’s Dilemma.”
It’s the idea that hedgehogs, when it’s cold, will huddle together for warmth but will maintain a safe distance to avoid hurting each other with their spines. This is the most comfortable and respectful way to relate to one another: love, but not at the expense of each other’s comfort.
In a romantic relationship, it’s crucial to give each other space. Without this balance, you risk suffocating the relationship, which will only push you further apart over time. Without understanding the “Hedgehog’s Dilemma,” your relationship could end up with empty promises from the past.
2.The Right Distance: Not Too Far, Not Too Close
Everyone has their own life to manage. Constant interference will only disturb their comfort and peace.
You can love your partner deeply, but you shouldn’t crowd them or pressure them. No one wants a partner who’s always hovering over them, incessantly talking. Your “prickles” will eventually hurt them.
As the saying goes, “Distance makes the heart grow fonder.”
This applies not just in everyday life and love, but even in challenging family dynamics like “mother-in-law and daughter-in-law” relationships. Many young couples prefer not to live with their mothers-in-law after marriage, not out of disrespect, but because living together for the first time often brings out differences. Over time, these differences lead to conflict.
In contrast, when mother-in-law and daughter-in-law don’t live together, their occasional meetings tend to be much more harmonious.
Love works the same way.
My friend Zhang Lin used to argue endlessly with her boyfriend, almost leading to a breakup. But when he went to work in another city, their fights turned into longing for each other. Their rare encounters during the holidays were filled with affection.
In relationships, dependency doesn’t equate to true love, nor is it the most comfortable way to live together. At times, you must give each other space and trust that the other person can handle things. Only then can you build a long-lasting foundation of love.
True love is mutual understanding and respect; it’s not about treating the other person as your possession. The more generous and independent you are, the more likely you are to enjoy a happy, long-lasting relationship.
3.Learning the Hedgehog’s Dilemma in a Relationship
In close relationships, sometimes the more you care, the more easily you can lose the connection.
There are times when nitpicking is less effective than simply sitting down, accepting the reality of the situation, and letting go of unrealistic expectations.
Instead of focusing on petty issues, focus on offering comfort when the other person needs it, creating an easy, peaceful life for both of you.
In the TV series Parents’ Love, the characters Jiang Dehua and Lao Ding can be considered a couple that found love later in life. Jiang Dehua didn’t compete or demand; she gave Lao Ding meticulous care, from washing clothes and cooking to even taking care of his children from his previous marriage — all without complaints.
When Lao Ding passed away, Jiang Dehua even wanted him to be buried with his first wife, only asking to be placed beside him.
In their years together, they helped each other, while maintaining their individual life routines. They loved each other but respected each other’s space — a perfect example of the “Hedgehog’s Dilemma.” This relationship lasted without resentment because they understood the balance between closeness and distance.
4.Love is Sometimes Sweet, but Also Strange
At the beginning of a relationship, love can feel passionate and intense, but as time goes on, that passion may fade.
Long-term relationships often bring self-doubt, leading one partner to question whether they still love the other, and eventually, the thought of giving up arises.
However, abandoning a hard-won relationship may only bring regret in the end.
There’s no perfect life, and no perfect love. Both are a journey of exploration, full of ups and downs.
If you want a lasting relationship, it’s important to assess the relationship dynamics. Love isn’t about possession, it’s about freedom; it’s not about forcing the other person, but knowing when to show restraint.
True, lasting love doesn’t focus on immediate gains, but looks at the bigger picture. It’s about offering your heart and, at the right time, giving the other person a space to rest.